Me Without You

I wonder
Just how long it will be?
Me without you
You without me

It’s so much easier when you’re riding on the bus to have a conversation with your feelings than it is with a computer keyboard 5 hours later.  Lots of people have a hard time with celebrity death.  Some people sobbed over the assassinations of President Kennedy or John Lennon.  The world mourned Michael Jackson or even Whitney Houston.  Mine just happens to be Davy Jones.  However, I can’t rationalize why I am grieving with the same heartache as a wife, daughter or other family member.  I can list the obvious reasons, but I don’t feel like they’re really the answers:

         Davy was my first love at the age of 9

         34 minus 9 means I’ve loved him for 25 years

 I’ll love you this year
I’ll love you next year.
And then forever.
I’ll always need you.
I’ll never leave you. 
I’ll love you forever…
You’re my first love. 
You are my last love. 
You are my everlasting love.
You are my first love.
You are my last love.
You’re my forever.”

         He was a tremendous talent, and an icon to others besides me

         Thinking about him and the other fellas links me to my childhood

When the world and I were young,
just yesterday,
Life was such a simple game a child could play”

         I was supposed to see him in concert March 11th

Reading earlier today I took a quote on death to relate to the context of Davy in order to try and understand.  This is it in part- “I would guess that most people would say that a stepfather probably knows the same pain of loss as a natural father, but will never be credited with it.  But time is a remedy for everything- for grief, for lack of understanding.”

First let me say that I shouldn’t have to hide my feelings as I am. 

February 29th.  Leap year.  A day that doesn’t exist.  Doesn’t that mean this shouldn’t happen then?  I could hear my cell phone ringing at my desk, but by the time I got there it had stopped.  I tried twice to call my mom back, but she was in the process of leaving me a message.

 

I guess I should have stayed in bed
My pillow wrapped around my head 
Instead of waking up to find
a nightmare of a different kind 
She went away 
This just doesn’t seem to be my day

“Maggie?”  She questioned as if she didn’t know that I was on the other end of the phone.  I tried to explain about not getting to the phone in time, etc.  “Maggie, Davy died today.  I just heard it on the radio.”  There was no need for her to say Davy Jones, for there is only Davy in my life…. like a Cher or a Madonna. Just Davy. 

I completely lost control right there at my desk.  My intern was just across the room so I had to act fast because I couldn’t tell him the real reason I was crying.  people just wouldn’t understand.  We had a vendor on site who also found me crying in the breakroom.  I swear if I was auditioning for an acting role, I certainly would have gotten it with the story I started telling.  Lucky for me, no one else knew what was going on so I didn’t have to perpetuate the lie any further. 

I realized then I had to get out of there and took off for the Lake front.  I sat on the bluff overlooking Lake Michigan and the Meier Festival Park.  August 27, 1987 I was down there at my first Monkees concert with my dad.  Yes 1987.  I’m a second generation Monkees fan.  My mom gave me her records when I started liking the Monkees after their TV show marathon on MTV.  Like coming full circle, I would be at Summerfest again in August, but this time 2011 when the final reunion tour stopped in Milwaukee at Summerfest.  I didn’t like it at the time, and I still remember, how they were marketing it.  They urged people to buy tickets now as it may be your last chance to see them in concert.  It just sounded so grim. I got the chance to see Micky in concert (solo) twice.  Davy once in Waukesha, but never Michael or Peter. 

Throughout my life thus far, there would be times when The Monkees were more or less important depending on what was going on at the time.  I wanted so bad to be a jockey too, and didn’t realize until years later that growing up in Milwaukee that wasn’t going to be possible.

Always pretending that everything’s fine when it’s not
Oh, why do you lie when you know that you always get caught?
Why don’t you come out of your dream world?
 It’s not real It’s not the way it seems to be

When the texts and messages from friends started coming in saying they were thinking about me or that I was in fact their first thought when they heard the news was comforting.  Then again, people were contacting me as if it were a personal death in the family, not like they were spreading gossip.  But I can’t share any personal stories about him.  I have a manufactured image of him that I keep in my imagination, but seems as though from all the stories and memories shared on tv and the internet that it isn’t far from the truth.   

 Something unknown to me
Makes you what you are
And what you are
Is all that I want for me
 And it’s good to feel that way girl
 Thank you girl, for making the night time nicer
Girl, for making the daytime brighter
Girl, for making a better world for me

They say it’s better by far to smile and forget then to remember and be sad.  I hope tomorrow might help.  I didn’t get to attend the memorial in Beavertown, so this would be a small pilgrimage for me to hopefully bring closure.  My sister had suggested that we take the trip out to The Dells to see the Crystal Palace venue where Davy was supposed to perform.  I was going to drive 3 hours to get there and had front row tickets for the show.  Front row, center.  There was no way that the stars in our eyes wouldn’t connect this time.  Not being that close.  I suppose we’ll carry on the day as it was planned out prior to the tragedy.  Get to The Dells late morning, go horseback riding, clean up (so I don’t stink like horses) and eat at the Pizza Pit.  But I guess now I’ll have to pop a cd in truck around 3:00 at show time. 

Love can make the tears in the rain
And the brightest flame can fade away
When you look into the eyes of a friend
There’s a feeling in your heart that will never end
After all the songs I sang you
 There’s no doubt in my mind
Anytime, anyplace, anywhere
I’ll never forget what we shared
Comes a day there’s a knock on your door
And maybe I’ll be standing there
Another road’s ahead of me
The night moves on
This heart never lies
These tears in my eyes
Say carry on

 

I’ve enjoyed and appreciated all the posts mostly as I find them on facebook (the commiserations from the songwriters, family, celebrities) and interview from Michael in Rolling Stone, and Micky and Peter reminiscing on live TV celebrating Davy.  It was nice to be able to go to The Ranch (twice) and be with other friends to watch the tributes to Davy at the Rio Drive-In.  The weekend passed quickly with the two day marathon on antenna TV of all the Monkees episodes including the movie Head (which I had only seen once before as a child).  I can get through all this ok; it’s just sometimes alone when I start to cry.  Or I notice my voice shakes when I talk about it. 

So after all this, I still can’t find a solution nor a raison d’être for all this grief.  Maybe I just don’t know when to let go.  I’ve always been over emotional.  Heck I cried during The Muppets movie.   Maybe the answer is simple.  I’m just emotional.  I just have to let the remaining tears out and I’ll be fine.  Or

Let’s run away from life together
Leave behind the stormy weather
Let’s find out what fantasy can do
Where we’ll go to, they can’t touch us
Life is perfect, nothing more to do
Nothing more that we’ll be needin’
Life is paradise in Eden
Eatin’ grapes and makin’ love with you

Speaking of the video tribute at the ranch, they played a song of Davy’s that I had never heard before called Rainy Jane.  The lyrics resonated with me as a farewell from Davy, and an instruction to get over it, and I feel if I hadn’t heard this song I might feel lost. 

It’s true your heart’s been broken

And you’ve got the right to cry

But if you’re gonna keep it up

The sunshine’s gonna pass you by

Hey Rainy Jane

You gotta stop your crying sometime

Come on Rainy Jane

It’s up to you to make your own sweet sunshine

You can change the weather

No one loves a rainy day

Come let’s get together

Clouds will clear up when you cheer up

Take each raindrop

Make the rain stop

Hey Rainy Jane

You gotta stop your crying sometime

Come on Rainy Jane

It’s up to you to make your own sweet sunshine

 

 

This is the video I took of Davy’s last concert in Milwaukee.  It’s a combination of both still pictures and video.  I was in the front row on the left side and got so nervous when they saw me taking pictures.  I wish I had a better camera at the time, but this is all I have left.  He looked so good.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Me Without You

  1. Rafeef says:

    Thank you so much for posting this! I am a lot like you, a second generation Monkees fan, 34 years old, a fan for 26 years…feelings unable to explain to others. Your post struck a chord with me and, in the process, helped me feel a little better, cope a little better. We may have not known Davy Jones, but he will forever leave an impression on my heart. He came into my life serendipitously and for that I am forever grateful. I hope time helps to heal your sorrow, and let’s keep celebrating him through his music and ensuring he gets the credit he and his bandmates deserve in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!

    Like

    • Thank you so much for your comment. It’s nice, in a sad sort of way, to know I’m not alone in the way I feel. I hate to think eventually that we have to go through this three more times. I didn’t see a lot of news coverage on tv about his death beyond the first day, and I don’t think it’s because he wasn’t as popular as Michael Jackson or Whitney Houston. I think it’s just that because there was no scandal, no one cared much. I think that speaks a lot as well. He was a normal guy who lived life well. Oh and a big yes to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame !!

      Like

  2. Mary Bennett says:

    I am sorrowed deeply, as well. I am the person everyone thought of when they heard, too. I will never come to terms with this, really. When I think of this, I will always be brought back to feeling shock, disbelief, horror, and denial. Not sure what was up the medias a** with the no-coverage. Really strange, there. As far as the Hall of Fame, I agree with Davy on that. That hall adds people at random. They cannot possibly have any standards for how they are chosen. Obviously, it’s not based on talent and dedicated fans. Good luck to you in the future, and -WOW- THERE REALLY ARE NO WORDS, NOR WILL THERE EVER BE WORDS, TO EASE THE PAIN OF THIS LOSS. –Mary_Bennett

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s